Something that has terrified me for about the last year or so is losing someone close to me. Specifically in a car accident (and yes I know that with my driving, I shouldnt have to worry about it being someone else) or something as horrifyingly quick. Whilst I realise that life itself is so unpredictable that we cant say all we want to say to any specific person before they die.

After writing my last post, I went to bed intending to get a good nights sleep. I couldnt sleep, I have a feeling I have a mild form of insomnia, where I will go with little sleep for a week or so, then sleep for like 12 hours straight on the weekends. I dunno, anyway, Im rambling. To make myself tired, I picked up a book I havent read in a while, called "Flowers in the Attic". This is an old book, written by a romantic novelist, and one I have loved for around ten years now. The book follows the lives of four children who are locked in an attic.

Now, whilst I realise that this is something that is fiction, the story is written so well, and makes you feel like you are there with the children. Towards the end, one of the younger children dies. This boy had been locked in an attic for 3 years, mal-nourished and fed arsenic by a cranky old grandmother. No matter what mood Im in, this part of the story makes me cry.

It got me thinking; how would I deal with the death of a sibling? Or family member? Or even worse, a close friend? (Everyone who knows me knows that whilst I love my family, my friends are closer to me than they will ever be)

I cant predict this. This is why it scares me. Ive never had to deal with the pain of a tragic loss. The only people that have died that I know were distant family members, and whilst they were lovely people, I cant say that I knew them. Or shared anything special with them.

I know what Im going to do wih my life. But this fear controls me. Its irrational, yet I cant make a close friend without thinking "What if they die tomorrow?"...

Okay, sorry for the rants. Im in a very deep and meaningful mood, and I havent had anyone to talk to about it. Diaryland seems to be my only outlet. Its all good. Tomorrow I start work, and then I'll have things like "Oh fuck, I forgot to file this" to think about instead of this. Yippee!

<< before || after >>